Making Amends

Learning to See the Love You Are

Mark Jacobs

Aug 09, 2026

I’ll probably step on some toes here, but I’m okay with that.

I remember sitting in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous listening to people talk about Step 8:

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

“I put myself at the top of the list,” some shared about this step.

I cringed. Every time.

And still do.

Because putting themselves first on this really important and profound list often meant they were finding ways to continue engaging with their ego while ignoring the cracks in their reasoning.

In fact, leave the mind out of it. When it comes to this work, toss aside reasoning and intelligence. These probably got you into the rooms of recovery in the first place.

Making things right with yourself doesn’t involve pedicures, a degree, a new relationship, a healthier diet, a gym membership, or that second slice of chocolate cake, though I’m in favor of that all on its own.

Amends to others requires a great deal of contemplation and a full understanding of why amends are needed. The act of making amends may soothe, bring closure, or open old wounds for the other person, business, or institution.

We aren’t making amends for their benefit, for better or worse. We make amends because it’s time to own our behavior and evolve our soul. Today, I might say, it’s time to raise our frequency.

This, too, may sound selfish to some. But the spiritual depth 12-step programs offer is a continuation of looking within yourself. The more we engage with the practices of taking personal inventory, questioning our motives, seeing clearly how we may have harmed another, or turned our backs on our own light, the more we understand that this process is actually the amends toward ourselves we’re seeking.

man standing on edge of cliff surrounded by green mountains — When you realize there’s something greater than yourself

My own journey of making amends was an experience I’ll always remember, a real threshold moment on the spiritual path I had already begun to embrace.

Many didn’t even remember the circumstances about which I was making amends, and many others accepted my amends with thanks. Some were especially gracious when they had no obligation to be.

I remember one particular amends.

In my later years of high school, I was an arrogant student. Imagine that! I thought I could do things my way and get away with it. I’d already begun drinking whiskey. A little here, a little there.

Mostly, I was just scared all the time.

Years later, when the time arrived to make amends to a teacher, I walked up to their home and rang the bell. When they answered, I explained who I was, thinking they might not remember me.

They didn’t wait for me to finish. They told me they knew who I was and asked why I was there.

I took in a breath, a deep one, and made amends for my behavior and the problems it created.

In no uncertain terms, and in a fiery ball of angry words, they let me know the hurt my actions had caused, and that my amends was neither welcome nor received.

I didn’t try to make myself feel better by explaining further. I just thanked them for their time and left.

I share this because it places something important in perspective. It certainly doesn’t place me in some kind of benevolent light. That would still be arrogance.

What I discovered in that moment was a deeper gratitude.

While I’m grateful for each of the individuals who received my amends, some became carriers for the biggest lessons I’ve learned in this incarnation.

Mark with deep rolling hills in background — Mark at the Trappist Abbey in Oregon, 2010

There’s nothing external about this work.

One of the unexpected byproducts of making amends is discovering just how much love you already carry within you. As the layers of guilt, shame, defensiveness, and self-protection begin to fall away, something else becomes easier to see.

Love was there all along—within you, for you, for others. Maybe even for the earth and all her inhabitants.

And there’s nothing external required to remember how to love yourself.

Sure, it’s okay to receive love from another. Or enjoy the unconditional love of an animal. Or feel the warm love that arrives when sunshine bathes your skin.

Yes, find ways to be kinder to yourself. Engage with self-judgment by allowing a little more compassion. Begin to turn your thoughts toward the positive. Ask yourself: what’s the best that can happen?

But are you giving your love as freely?

Are you able to feel love for your body, your mind, your energy field? Are you open to the flow of love found in your heart? Your soul? The whole arc of your life? Are you letting people close to you know you love them?

Making amends makes us right-sized. And it can also open the spiritual floodgates, leaving you feeling whole, connected, and at peace.

Putting yourself first on the amends list is about something much deeper than what you can do to pamper yourself, soften accountability, or avoid a reckoning.

The experience of making amends to others, with all that goes into it before and after the moment, is how you make amends to yourself.

When you’re able to feel yourself expand, connect to your own divinity, or be a witness for someone else’s growth, you’ll experience a love for yourself that has no substitute in person, place, or thing.

Because it’s the love that is at your core.

That is of your heart.

That is your very essence.

When enough people truly understand they are made of love and light, compassion and joy, and cultivate their connection to one another and to what animates their being, this will be the moment the tide turns upon the earth.

The moment a New Earth is born.

Remember who you are.

In joy and unity, always.